I'm kind of having a pretty shitty day not because I'm sad or because somebody close to me died or I'm going through a breakup or because I've been mostly ignored or because plans didn't work out like I thought they would or because of anything I may have lost big or small. I'm just having a pretty shitty day because I've realized that I'm doing absolutely nothing with my life and that my life is boring because of it. my life is so boring. I wake up go to work work drive home wake up the next day and just be in my room until I sleep. I'm not even doing anything productive either. it's like I'm just pretending to be an adult while actually being very sub-par at it. my parents do have reason to worry. I thought they were idiots in that aspect before but maybe they actually have a legit reason.
you want to know what the hardest part about writing is? writing. for some weird reason, I can't do it even though it's the one thing I really know how to do. I don't have to fake it like I feel I do at everything else. my thoughts are just going a million miles a minute while I just sit here doing nothing. I also have this fear of inadequacy that gets in the way I think.
I also don't read really anymore, which is a problem because I like reading. It's almost like when I was young and was taking a shower, where I dreaded going in but then didn't want to have once I was in the water. If I can't read, I can't write, which again is a huge problem.
My friends are doing things, they're being productive, but me, no. I'm just sitting here with my mind turned off like some nobody and I actually believe that sometimes. Job searching brings out the worst in me. it really makes me feel like I should just quit at life and go work at McDonalds with my English degree before I die of a diabetic coma because I'm unable to pay for my insulin. that's the life that life is telling me that I should live.
I really should stop putting myself down like that. I'm not depressed. I'm in a period of transition and new beginnings and it sucks. It's like that movie with Alexis Gilmore girl where she just graduated from college and everything sucks including the movie itself. My life is that Alexis Gilmore girl movie and i have no idea how to feel about that...
I'm also tired most of the time, which again is a problem. I really should have deserved self care days where I just sleep and don't do much else but tear myself away from all the screens and just read and write until I fall asleep again and then the cycle repeats. I also need to eat healthier, but I'll take that baby one step at a time.
I've got good ideas for the thing I've been thinking about. I just need to sit down and write them, like this too. I just need to get them out and worry about whether they work or not and organization later.
Dammit I want gyoza rn.
