7/21

I've thought about it quite a bit and it actually makes a lot of sense that the world is getting completely fucked over by humans, more specifically corporations through their corporate greed. Since the dawn of humanity, humans have been going gangbusters on this idea of dominion (at least in terms of Christianity, idk about other religions don't quote me on this) and shitting on other peoples/cultures that are "lesser" than them for not doing the same, right? But I think that the whole dominion thing really makes sense when you think about the mythology of the earth itself: Mother Earth. Gaia. Woman. Just like how man has been possessing, dominating, and just generally fucking women over for almost literally the dawn of humans and "civilized society", man is fucking over another woman, one of the most important women to the human race, some would argue, to the point of utter decimation and then we'll leave her to suffer before the lasting effects of climate change will come to bite us in the ass. We'll probably say in the future when we've colonized other planets and start to deplete their natural resources that Mother Earth was just asking for us to take her natural resources and rare minerals when she just existed and just happened to have the things we wanted and just took without asking. There won't be any way to stop pollution and climate change if cases of female rape and other sexual/physical abuses continue to happen to this day. So what do we need to do to give Mother Earth the justice she deserves? Listen to her cries for help and go after her rapists.

7/16

My laptop is experiencing problems and I so desperately need to write. I was in the middle of finishing something online when my computer decided to freeze on me, first the windows taskbar, which was easily solvable, then the taskbar again about five minutes later and nothing seemed to be working, not even Task Manager, which I tried to pull up using shortcuts but no cigar. The diagnostics told me that it was having memory problems after I force-restarted it like I was smothering someone with a pillow and it just sits there looping at the HP loading screen when everything else fails and it can't load and it doesn't know what to do. I'd be a little more pissed if I didn't feel so tired.

I was in the middle of finishing an intro to a large project, which is exciting, since I'm so revved up on words and that in itself holds so much promise that things might actually go well, but then my laptop crashed, essentially, and I'm stuck here with this, not that I mean to complain b/c I couldn't just be sitting here with no resources and just feeling tired and frustrated, but instead I just feel tired and I have this, so this is good all things considered.

I tried finishing my thing on my phone, where I have access to the location, I guess, but it's just not the same. The typing was too slow, the screen too small, the paragraphs too thin and compressed. I've written stuff like that on my phone in the past, but it's just not the same now, now that I was on a roll and things were finally reaching some conclusion. But no. It just wasn't meant to be tonight.

I feel so tired today and I don't really know why it's happened. It's not like that watery exhaustion I feel when my blood sugar is high, but like the cozy tired like I've been hiking all day in snow and I'm falling asleep with a warm hat on my head. I slept in (technically took a nap while I was still in bed, but whatever) until 1 today, just because I was feeling tired and J—— gave me the day off for the CMS tour tomorrow. I'm so glad I got the day off today; ten I could take it easy, take care of myself, sleep in, take care of some things I've needed to do for a while now, and write, more importantly.

I need to go to bed. I need to go to sleep. It's an early morning tomorrow and I think I've run out of steam. I think I've said all I need to say tonight. Things went well. :)

– What kind of day are you having, and why?

I'm kind of having a pretty shitty day not because I'm sad or because somebody close to me died or I'm going through a breakup or because I've been mostly ignored or because plans didn't work out like I thought they would or because of anything I may have lost big or small. I'm just having a pretty shitty day because I've realized that I'm doing absolutely nothing with my life and that my life is boring because of it. my life is so boring. I wake up go to work work drive home wake up the next day and just be in my room until I sleep. I'm not even doing anything productive either. it's like I'm just pretending to be an adult while actually being very sub-par at it. my parents do have reason to worry. I thought they were idiots in that aspect before but maybe they actually have a legit reason.

you want to know what the hardest part about writing is? writing. for some weird reason, I can't do it even though it's the one thing I really know how to do. I don't have to fake it like I feel I do at everything else. my thoughts are just going a million miles a minute while I just sit here doing nothing. I also have this fear of inadequacy that gets in the way I think.

I also don't read really anymore, which is a problem because I like reading. It's almost like when I was young and was taking a shower, where I dreaded going in but then didn't want to have once I was in the water. If I can't read, I can't write, which again is a huge problem.

My friends are doing things, they're being productive, but me, no. I'm just sitting here with my mind turned off like some nobody and I actually believe that sometimes. Job searching brings out the worst in me. it really makes me feel like I should just quit at life and go work at McDonalds with my English degree before I die of a diabetic coma because I'm unable to pay for my insulin. that's the life that life is telling me that I should live.

I really should stop putting myself down like that. I'm not depressed. I'm in a period of transition and new beginnings and it sucks. It's like that movie with Alexis Gilmore girl where she just graduated from college and everything sucks including the movie itself. My life is that Alexis Gilmore girl movie and i have no idea how to feel about that...

I'm also tired most of the time, which again is a problem. I really should have deserved self care days where I just sleep and don't do much else but tear myself away from all the screens and just read and write until I fall asleep again and then the cycle repeats. I also need to eat healthier, but I'll take that baby one step at a time.

I've got good ideas for the thing I've been thinking about. I just need to sit down and write them, like this too. I just need to get them out and worry about whether they work or not and organization later.

Dammit I want gyoza rn.

i m trash

im so very very trash